Grandparents
I know there is a recurrent theme here regarding how often I post. :-)
The issue I have had lately regards Grandparents and their role in the raising of grandkids.
This is truly a personal issue so I welcome thoughts and comments from anyone that has had experiences with this or who is currently dealing with it.
I am hesitant to use the word meddlesome, but that is almost exactly what I am talking about. Granted, my kids' have grandparents close and grandparents far away. But when either set is around I truly feel as if I should just disappear as long as they are around my kids.
I have had many discussions with my husband, my mom and recently an all out fight with my dad and strained relations with my husbands' parents.
All of these relationships were solid before we had kids, so that is why I feel it has to do with me and what I do or don't do in regards to raising my kids.
My dad was bold enough on Father's Day as to say "I have just started" when I said that I didn't need help raising my kids. It started because my mom and my daughter were playing around at the table in a restaurant we were at celebrating Father's Day; I am currently trying to teach her at home not to throw things on the floor. I.e., cups, food, napkins, etc. Well, from my vantage point, it looked like she had thrown something on the floor, so I "fussed" at my mom, (after I fussed at my daughter, of course!) for letting her get carried away and throw something on the floor. Well, in turns out I jumped the gun and she hadn't thrown anything on the ground. After I said something to my mom, my dad jumped in to the fray and didn't mince too many words.
This is just one example of the types of things that go on with me and both sets of grandparents. They feel as if they need to stick their two cents in whenever possible and I feel totally threatened by that. My daughter is 2 and I don't want her to see either sets of grandparents "overriding" me in any way. I feel very strong about that. I told my mom later that I want the grandparents to "complement" my husband and I. Notice the spelling. :-) I don't mean compliments.... :-)
I always feel like I am in the way when the grandparents are around. My husband will not talk to his mom. What to do???? I don't want things to continue to get worse because then my kids will see the tension and feel it. On the other hand, I can't just roll over and play dead when they are around. I feel that as a parent, I need to continue my role when I see things that aren't kosher with me or my husband and I think the grandparents should acknowledge that and abide by it. I know I would!
The issue I have had lately regards Grandparents and their role in the raising of grandkids.
This is truly a personal issue so I welcome thoughts and comments from anyone that has had experiences with this or who is currently dealing with it.
I am hesitant to use the word meddlesome, but that is almost exactly what I am talking about. Granted, my kids' have grandparents close and grandparents far away. But when either set is around I truly feel as if I should just disappear as long as they are around my kids.
I have had many discussions with my husband, my mom and recently an all out fight with my dad and strained relations with my husbands' parents.
All of these relationships were solid before we had kids, so that is why I feel it has to do with me and what I do or don't do in regards to raising my kids.
My dad was bold enough on Father's Day as to say "I have just started" when I said that I didn't need help raising my kids. It started because my mom and my daughter were playing around at the table in a restaurant we were at celebrating Father's Day; I am currently trying to teach her at home not to throw things on the floor. I.e., cups, food, napkins, etc. Well, from my vantage point, it looked like she had thrown something on the floor, so I "fussed" at my mom, (after I fussed at my daughter, of course!) for letting her get carried away and throw something on the floor. Well, in turns out I jumped the gun and she hadn't thrown anything on the ground. After I said something to my mom, my dad jumped in to the fray and didn't mince too many words.
This is just one example of the types of things that go on with me and both sets of grandparents. They feel as if they need to stick their two cents in whenever possible and I feel totally threatened by that. My daughter is 2 and I don't want her to see either sets of grandparents "overriding" me in any way. I feel very strong about that. I told my mom later that I want the grandparents to "complement" my husband and I. Notice the spelling. :-) I don't mean compliments.... :-)
I always feel like I am in the way when the grandparents are around. My husband will not talk to his mom. What to do???? I don't want things to continue to get worse because then my kids will see the tension and feel it. On the other hand, I can't just roll over and play dead when they are around. I feel that as a parent, I need to continue my role when I see things that aren't kosher with me or my husband and I think the grandparents should acknowledge that and abide by it. I know I would!
posted by Leigh Burge @ 11:56 AM
1 Comments:
At 3:04 PM,
Doris said…
OK - my two-pennorth worth. I have kids who have one set of grand parents and one set of step grandparents. Those are my qualifications but I'm going to say something else altogether. I sense a certain lack of confidence in you regarding your parenting and maybe this only comes out when the grandparents are around? Is that possible?
Perhaps both sets of grandparents sense mixed messages from you and they are genuinely trying to help and then it comes out wrong and gets misinterpretated and then ends up in a fight?
It is common for new parents to get all sorts of interference from family but there comes a point when you suddenly find that inner confidence and when you do, others stop interfering and just totally respect you and anything you say goes.
I think it helps when you can find a way to graciously accept suggestions given to you, think about them, and then decide to do as you please. You will find that the suggestions will lessen because they are only trying to help and if they know that you are receptive but actually in control then they will stop.
With the situation in the restaurant I thought about if that happened to me. You were right to mention it but perhaps it should have been a quick ascertation as to the facts of the matter, not for any moment suggesting the adult was amiss, and then it would have been sorted in this case. And if indeed it had happened I would have firmly reminded child that we are not throwing and that we are learning to sit at the table nicely etc. In situations like that, if the adult was actually responsible then you would find that they would soon apologise..... "oh it was my fault" and realise the error of their ways.
By saying this doesn't mean that you are getting at the grandparent through your child. Not at all. It is all about knowing your boundaries and what is acceptable for you and your child/ren.
I don't think there are any relationships that can not be re-built. If there is a will there is a way.
And by the way, I had a big to-do recently with family members concerning home-ed and one of my kids who had gone round there for a few days for what I thought was one thing and turned out to be summat else. I was not happy but it is sorted now.
Parenting gets easier. It is all about people management.
I really hope I haven't outstayed my welcome on your blog!
Post a Comment
<< Home